The person who vowed to spend the rest their life with you, despite your quirks, faults and the things that drive them crazy about you, just up and leaves because they no longer are willing to keep that promise.
You’re left wondering who could do that? You thought you knew this person. You most certainly made sure they knew who you were before the “I do’s” were exchanged.
I look at my friends who’ve managed to stay together and wonder what happened to me.
Divorce changes you. You go up and down and in and out. You do things completely out of character. You look back on it and are appalled at the things that happened, you did or allowed. You wonder who the hell you are and question everything you’ve ever known. You analyze the shit out of the events that brought you to this point and you want to rectify that in any future relationship.
You stop being ‘yourself’ because that wasn’t working obviously. You try to adapt to the ‘current’ trends and what other singles are doing in order to be accepted. It’s a crazy road to travel and hindsight is spectacular but while you’re trying to figure out what went wrong and how it could’ve been prevented…you try all kinds of things.
It can take a very long time to weed through what you used to consider morals. And most times you know it’s not right but what you thought was right didn’t work. And all these other people are doing it ‘this’ way or ‘that’ way and you just want to be accepted. It feels like everyone you knew while married is ashamed of you and it’s extremely uncomfortable to be around them.
You need the support from those around you, but likely push those people away because they’d be ashamed of you if they knew the things you’ve done or thought about. You feel like you’re drowning and your non-divorced (singles and marrieds) friends can’t help you because, frankly, they don’t understand.
They have all this advice to give but have no idea what it feels like to have their world ripped apart in this manner. To no longer feel safe, no longer feel wanted. To be thrust into battle trying to cling to anything familiar. To be forced to renegotiate your survival tactics to protect the remainder of your family. To figure out and adapt to your new living arrangements/lifestyle. It’s like experiencing a death but the deceased is alive and kicking with someone else…with someone else, for that matter.
And your friends want to maintain relationships with both parties and that’s very hard on the victim. It’s extremely hurtful but it’s hard for them to understand…because they’ve never had to tread these waters. This can negatively alter some friendships.
It’s a tough time and you never really recover from it. You just try different tactics to see what works. You’re trying to figure it all out and ‘fix’ the things that didn’t work before. Even if that means abandoning all the things you once knew.
Of course the fire dies down here and there but it’s at those times, that it needs stoking, not neglect. If you don’t feed it, it’ll disappear. People get lazy. They don’t want to put the effort into keeping the flame alive. They’d rather cozy up to someone else’s fire or allow the darkness and cold to move in.
I’m certainly not innocent but I most certainly didn’t give up!